Dear Listener,
Millie here. You may have heard Maxine and I discussing our goals and resolutions for the new year. (If not, here’s the link to Episode 9: New Year, New Moms). I’ve put a lot of thought into what I want out of 2024 and have set some goals and even made a vision board! One of my most important (and hardest) goals is to overcome my fear of flying. (Stay with me. If you have anxiety but aren’t afraid to fly, this post is still for you!)
My (sort of) Life-Long Fear of Flying
I don’t know why I’m afraid to fly and I don’t even know exactly when it started. I made it through at least 18 years of my life without being afraid to fly. Granted, I didn’t do that much flying then, but still. I never gave it a second thought. It’s likely that something else was going on in my life to make me feel anxious and it attached itself to flying. The brain does that, at least according to my “research” (which means hundreds of hours online trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and how to fix it).
I’ve read books; I’ve taken classes taught by a pilot/therapist who instructed me to attach a memory that stimulates serotonin to flying; I’ve been hypnotized; I’ve had countless therapy sessions; I’ve even tried EMDR. All to no avail. I still spend every minute I’m on a plane either freaking out or waiting to freak out. At this point, I think I’m more afraid of the panic than the actual flight.
I really thought I had it in the winter of 2022-23 when we flew to Europe with the kids to celebrate the end of my cancer treatments. It was a dream trip – and the thing that kept me going during the many hours I spent lying on the bathroom floor, trying not to throw up.
My husband found a mistake fare, so we flew Business Class on the way over. It was amazing. Lots of room, a seat that turned into a bed. I was relaxed and calm and comfortable. Big plane, no turbulence. And I got there with no tears!
Well, Dear Listener, things did not go as well on the way back.
Traveling Through Europe with Health Anxiety
To explain why, I have to back up a little. While undergoing treatment for breast cancer in 2021 and 2022, I developed a heart arrhythmia. I never really did get a straight answer on exactly what it was, but it caused me a lot of anxiety. Chemo can be damaging to your heart and because my tumor was in my left breast, my radiation was also near my heart. I have health anxiety in general, so having my heart act up was a little distressing, even though the doctors promised it wasn’t anything to be worried about. And, lastly, we left for Europe only a week or so after my last chemo treatment and my body was still trying to heal. I was seriously out of shape and had very little energy.
After a wonderful morning exploring Predjama Castle in Slovenia (SUCH a beautiful country) I had a bizarre experience during which I felt like my heart was going to stop. My arms got tingly, I felt nauseous, and I almost passed out. We were in a foreign country where none of us spoke the language and we were miles from the nearest hospital, anyway. My husband held my hand through the multi-hour drive back to Venice and I rested up in our AirBnB. I no longer felt like I was having a heart attack, but I was completely exhausted.
It happened a few more times during the trip and one incident led me to spend a long evening in an Italian emergency room (a much better experience than I was afraid of, by the way, and it only cost 350 Euro). There was concern that I had a blood clot which, if true, was very dangerous. The doctors did a million tests and sent me home with no answers, other than nothing really seemed to be wrong with me and I’d be fine to fly home. Nevertheless, we decided to cancel our flight to Morocco – the side trip that I had been the most excited for out of the whole, month-long vacation.
It was frightening and frustrating. This was supposed to be my victory trip and here I was, ruining it for everybody. I was very hard on myself and angry with the world for putting me through this on top of having just gone through cancer treatment.
And I still had to fly home.
Getting Home
My husband and I tried to think of a way to get me home without flying – not just because I have a fear of flying, but because I still worried that I might have a blood clot and being on a plane for 10 hours over the Atlantic wasn’t a great place to have a medical emergency. But there were no real options, so I got on the plane.
The instant we started down the runway to start our first flight (Venice to London) I knew it had been a mistake. Here came the heart palpitations, the sweating, the tingly arms, and the feeling that I was going to pass out. Fortunately, that flight was short. When we landed in London, though, we had to run to our next flight, and I only had a few moments to decide if I should get on the plane or go to the hospital. I decided on the plane – desperate to be home.
Again, all the same symptoms. But now, here I was, over the Atlantic with a 10-hour flight ahead of me. I started to panic. How was I going to deal with this for 10 hours? How was I going to stay calm when I knew I would have a heart attack at any moment? My mind went crazy. No matter how hard I tried to stay calm and present and use all my “fear of flying” tricks, nothing worked. I lost it.
A sweet flight attendant noticed and came to my rescue. She got me tea, held my hand, and even made the dreaded “is there a doctor on board” call over the intercom. Thank God there was. A Swiss doctor who spoke multiple languages – one of them English – answered the call. She took my blood pressure, listened to my heart, and swore to me that I was ok and was not having a heart attack. She suggested a cold washcloth on my chest, which was brought to me directly. And a wonderful man in the row ahead of me reminded me of box breathing, which he then talked me through for at least 5 minutes.
I was so touched by people’s caring, but also horrified and humiliated. My kids were watching me lose it. My husband was trying to keep me calm while assuring the girls that I was fine. It was a shitshow.
When finally landed in Miami I was met by paramedics who immediately took me to the nearest emergency room. Again, all the tests. And again, nothing wrong with me.
Figuring Out the Real Issue
Fast forward a couple of weeks. My husband has now vowed NEVER to be on a plane with me again -so long, dream of traveling the world together – and I had my quarterly psychiatrist appointment, just to make sure my anti-anxiety medications were working (they’re working splendidly, clearly). I off-handedly mentioned what happened on the plane and he said, “oh, you had a panic attack.”
Now, I’ve had what I thought were panic attacks in the past and they were NOTHING like this. I always wondered why people said they thought they were having a heart attack when it was really a panic attack. That had not been my experience.
Well, DUH.
I had never actually had a real panic attack before. Apparently, 24-7 crippling anxiety isn’t quite the same thing. But why did I have one outside a beautiful castle, with my family, on a long-awaited vacation? My husband reminded me that the castle was full of stairs (it was built into the side of a mountain – really incredible) and I was still recovering from years of chemo and very little exercise. My heart started pounding from the exertion, triggering my health-anxiety, and I panicked. It makes complete sense.
Since figuring it out, it’s only happened one or two more times, which I’m thankful for. But hubby is planning another trip to Europe and he won’t fly with me. And the kids don’t want to fly with me, either (who can blame them, really?). So how the F am I going to get there? No clue. We’re working on that.
My Cunning Plan to Overcome My Flight Anxiety/Big Announcement
In the meantime, I have decided that this is the year I get over this ridiculous fear. Like I mentioned, I’ve already tried all the things. So, my last hope is that if I can reduce my overall anxiety, my fear of flying will fall away.
To that end, I’ve made a list of ALL the things you’re supposed to do to lower anxiety. And I’m going to try them – one by one – and report back. In order to keep myself motivated I’m starting a solo podcast (don’t worry – Reinventing This Shitshow isn’t going anywhere!). It’s called “The Anxiety Experiment” and it will be me reporting back to you, Dear Listener, how my great experiment is going. And even though I have spent this whole post telling you about my fear of flying, it’s really a podcast about anxiety. An “anxiety podcast” if you will. Cross your fingers for me and if you have any suggestions for what I should try, leave a comment below!
If you have anxiety and you’re feeling a little alone, please listen in. Because anxiety loves company!
-XOXO, Millie