Hey, friends, Millie here. On this week’s episode my bestie Maxine and I decided to tackle what dating over 40 looks like. “But Millie,” you might be thinking, “you’re both married. What do you know about dating in your 40s?” I had the same thought. Maxine has done a bit of over-40 dating, but not enough to fill a whole episode. But not to worry. Maxine had a few surprises up her sleeve.
Dating in Your 40s – Just as Weird as You’d Expect
Since Maxine is a divorcee (doesn’t that sound fancy?) I was curious to hear about her experiences with dating in her 40s. I mean, we live in a small-ish town and there’s just not a big dating pool here. Dating your coworkers is a no-no (and for good reason) and dating apps suck. Why do people think it’s a good idea to put a picture of you that’s 20 years old and 20 pounds lighter? Do they not think their date is going to notice? Thankfully, she found her foreign exchange student in the nick of time and is now a blissful newlywed. It can be done!
Speaking of wedded bliss, I want to share a sweet “happily-ever-after” story with you. A friend of mine came home from a vacation a few years ago only to be greeted by her husband’s request for a divorce. Completely out of the blue. She was gobsmacked, to use Maxine’s favorite word (I promise it gets better). When the divorce was final she moved on with her life with no real intention to look for anyone new anytime soon.
Out of the blue, she gets a Facebook message from a guy who thought she was interested in connecting. Somehow she had signed herself up for Facebook Dating without realizing it. She thought he was someone she knew and, in order to not have to admit she didn’t know who the heck he was, responded and they started chatting. Surprisingly, they really hit it off and, after she realized she didn’t need to pretend to know who he was, they decided to meet up. I swear to you it wasn’t a year later and they were married! As Maxine said, it was some “meant-to-be shit.” Sometimes the universe has surprises in store, even when you feel like you’re at your lowest point.
What is “dating” anyway?
But back to dating. What does that word even mean? When Maxine suggested it as a podcast topic I figured she’d have to do all the talking – I never really “dated” anyone when I was younger and I’ve been married for 16 years. In fact, I went on exactly one date, according to my definition, before I met my husband.
I was about 16 and a grocery store coworker who was perfectly nice, but that I wasn’t interested in in the slightest, asked me out. And not the GenX version of “asked out” (remember that? When “going out” meant you were boyfriend and girlfriend and might or might not ever actually talk to each other?). Being a girl raised in a culture where girls must be nice and sweet and kind and never hurt anyone’s feelings, I said yes – even though I was literally panicking at the idea of spending a whole evening with a guy I had only had brief conversations about vegetables with. He was a perfectly nice guy and treated me to a perfectly nice Chinese buffet and some perfectly nice but stilted conversation. But it was torture. And that was my last “date.”
Is Keeping the Spark Alive Possible?
But that’s not what Maxine meant when she said “dating after 40.” She is insistent that we should be dating our spouses. I think her exact words were “we’re going to keep the magic alive, motherfucker!” That’s my Maxine.
I tried that when I was first married. I remember telling my husband that, now that he was a full-fledged, workaholic lawyer, we needed to schedule date nights. His response? “I don’t have time for date nights.” Exactly! Alas, we have not been good about date nights. I try to sneak them in here and there, but for us it’s really traveling that keeps our “magic alive.”
Maxine, on the other hand, is not giving up that easily. She insists on two date-nights a month, which is going to be harder, but even more important, now that she has a full time job with a three and a half hour round-trip commute. May the road rise to meet you, Maxine.
Dating Your Spouse is Actually Essential
The thing is, she’s right. According to the Gottman Institute, arguably the world’s preeminent center for relationship training, research, and education, “If you’re too busy for date-night, you’re too busy.” Their research shows that spending two hours per week on some sort of “date” activity:
- Boosts connection
- Builds up your emotional bank account (Gottman says it takes five positive interactions to count one negative interaction, and we all know that some negative spousal interactions are unavoidable)
- Engages you in “rituals of connection”
- Gives you time to talk about your relationship, and
- Gives you time to have fun together.
“But Millie,” I hear you say, we’re so busy and dates are expensive. Gottman has an answer for that, too! He says date nights are “sacred.” Find an hour or two each week and set that time aside – in stone. It is an investment in your marriage and everything else can wait (easier said than done, but I’m here to give you advice I don’t take myself). As for the expense, Psychology Today has a few suggestions that don’t have to break the bank:
- Take a walk together
- Make dinner together
- Play a board game
- Go to the gym or on a run together
- See if your local museum has a certain day of the month that is free (many do)
Knowing all of this, I think I’ll try again. Life is crazy and busy and expensive and stressful, but my relationship with my husband needs to be at the top of the priority list. I’m not afraid to admit when Maxine is right (which is most of the time)!